UMAMI MART MATSURI FESTIVAL
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By Anders
Originally posted on August 25, 2010

I sometimes wonder whether my generation (of 1979) will explode in a green toxic waste cloud when we turn 40.

Raised throughout the 1980's on a chemical food diet consisting of added preservatives, taste perfumes and E-numbers galore, our bodies have grown up in dirty soil and now there's no way back (check the latest cancer statistics for proof).

Back in those days organic vegetables and pesticide-free gardens were only found at hippie communes running DIY communist kindergartens and sporting group sex every Friday in the "bolle-rum" ("fornication room" in Danish). But for the rest of us normal families, the future dangers and health problems weren't even on the radar yet.

It's the fall of 2009 and I'm in Odaiba-- an artificial island entertainment area near Tokyo harbour. A crowd of screaming Japanese kids run around like crazy in a huge retro candy store. They're probably psyched to escape for just one moment from their daily rice+seaweed diet. Now it's sweet-stuffing time, and I'm screaming too.

Mostly because I want to blend in (Japan is all about blending in), but also because I'm a fan of silly, artificial, disgustingly poisonous and basically all foods that don't look like actual food. I don't care about the chemicals-- I just want to have fun, before I'm bound to explode anyway.|

I found some rather silly stuff in the store which I want to write about, and mix it up with something nasty I found in the local supermarket last year here in Copenhagen.

(Sorry, but most of these babies I'm not gonna tear open as they will lose their value when I try to re-sell them on eBay in 20 years to secure my retirement in Southern France.)

ねるねるねるね (Neru Neru Neru Ne) (JP)


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This is a classic vintage Japanese candy from Dimension Bizarro. The title means something close to, "Twirl Twirl Twirl, Ok?"

It also says "Taste of Soda" and "Twirl for Tastiness". The packaging design is super intense with lots of colours and actions showing how to prepare your meal.

You'll never have more fun eating stuff that is probably used to kill rats in the third world.

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Back of the bag shows the instructions: first you open the bag of contents, stir in Waste Powder 1, add water. Stir in Waste Powder 2, twirl it real good. It should be a pastel-coloured foam now. Pour out the soda-coloured bits and eat them as side dish or sprinkle on top of the foam.

Your intestines will be begging for mercy, but you're too busy licking the waste off your spoon while watching PowerPuff Girls.

Marshmallow Bunnies (USA)


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Next on the list is what I found in the seasonal bin in my local Rema 1000 supermarket (Rimjob 1000 as my ex used to call it). I just love these little surprises in my everyday life.

This product is genius-- you take out the soft marshmallow bunnies, brush up your creative skills, grab the "edible" ink pens and decorate your food while enjoying life. And then you eat it and die, but that's the game you play when buying stuff like this.

Of course I should have gotten the whole bin and given these away as sarcastic nerd presents for those in the know. Damn.

Snot Shots (DE)

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I found this at Rimjob 1000 as well. It's perfect for the underlining theme of this post-- the toxic trends among kids. And rightfully so, as most Danish kids these day are probably sick of being forced to eat another organic vegan meal of beans, hummus and a tofu stand-in for chicken.

Forget punk music or biker gangs, this is their way of rebelling against their parents: inhaling toxic snot and chewing chemical sewer waste. In your face, moms! (of course it's two lesbian moms and a gay father on the side. Very Denmark 2010).

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The Snot Shot gum is Tjernobyl Green.

All cheap gum tastes alike, I don't know why.

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If this ain't pure beauty, I don't know what is.

"らくがきっず" (Rakugakizzu) (JP)

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This is my fave candy from Japan-- it's supposed to be quite old school as well-- if you show it to a 30 year old Japanese he'll nod in joy. The title means something like "Grafitti Kids".

Take out the Senbei rice crackers, grab the syringe with the blue fluid, press the fluid out onto the cracker and make a piece of art.

This is how all foods should be eaten - playing around and being creative.

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I hope I'm wrong about the toxic waste cloud explosion deaths, and I seriously think it's best to buy lots of organic foods. All this candy is not the real problem unless you eat it 24/7. It's the rest of your diet: vegetables sprayed with bug killers and watered with toilet water in third world countries, added softeners, added fillers, added food makeup-- all the additives adds up.

And having fun while eating these candies now and then is actually super ok, because you know it's not food anyway.

I think we should freak out more and play around with stuff on the kitchen table. Because what if it IS true about the toxic waste cloud... better live it up now!