I failed. Utterly and completely. I've had some failures in the past but usually saved them from total disaster, but this time, there was nothing I could do...
Last week, Kayoko asked me to write about a Valentine's Day appropriate post, and I decided to make chocolate truffles. It's one of the simplest recipes you can find. All you need to do is to make ganache with chocolate and cream, cool it, scoop it, then roll it in cocoa. Who can fail this simple task, especially since I've tackled so many complicated recipes? Just like Kayoko's failure on her devils on horseback, it's so simple, which is sometimes the most difficult.
When I saw Chocolate Challenges on the Food Network, many of the pastry chefs talked about how warm the room was, which created a very difficult condition for chocolate. Chocolate? Condition? Too humid? What? I heard chocolate is somewhat of a science, and what happens next proves how sensitive chocolate is...
I bought a hunk of bitter sweet chocolate, and cut them into pieces. Heat up a cup of cream, and mixed them together to make ganache.
Something wasn't right. The recipe had a picture, and it looked very smooth, but mine looked like constipated shit.
I tasted a bit, and realized, I BOUGHT FUCKING UNSWEETENED CHOCOLATE!!! At Buon Italia in the Chelsea Market, they sell hunks of chocolate, and each of them are categorized by sweetness, milk, semisweet, white, bitter, and unsweetened. I swear they screwed up the placement, or some customer picked up, but put it back on the wrong section. Unsweetened chocolate is very disgusting. I don't like super sweet chocolate, or, I don't even like chocolate that much in general, but the unsweetened kind is utterly gross.
I freaked out, and added a ton of sugar, more cream, hoping it would smooth out, and put them on a hot water bath. During this process, not knowing the disastrous consequences, I wanted to flavor the truffles, and added about a half cup of bourbon. Boozy truffles, what a great idea, right? From this point on, it got uglier.
As I kept mixing the chocolate mixture under the hot water bath, it started separating. I first thought bourbon needed to be incorporated better, so I whisked it over and over, but suddenly I realized I overdid it. Liquid part was oily from the cacao, not the bourbon... I was hoping once they cool down, it would go back to one piece. I poured them into a bowl, and almost puked by the look of them..
WARNING! If you are eating right now, don't look further...
This is NOT someone's diarrhea that I saved for some fucked up reason. This is utterly failed chocolate ganache. I didn't stage this picture, but this was the most perfect turd substitute I ever seen. Little nuggets on the side add a lot of reality as well.
This is something you see at a nasty bar bathroom, not on marble kitchen counter. If you need a fake turd, keep mixing chocolate, and you can make the most perfect ones. Milk chocolate might make a better color, though.
My idea was to make chocolate truffles, and use some left over ganache (before they cool too much) to dip into long stemmed strawberries. I tried to save the turd so that I can dip strawberries, but to no avail. I had to throw out the whole thing.
Luckily, I had a bag of semisweet chocolate in the pantry, so I could at least complete the chocolate dipped strawberries.
If you know the scientific reason of what I did wrong, please let me know. Was it unsweetened chocolate? Was it the cream? Sugar? Or was it bourbon? Was it temperature?
No one is perfect...