Holiday Gift Guide

Lesbians. What a wonderful and exotic breed.

Much less visible or loud in the public space than gay men, but definitely not dull. Have you talked to your lesbian co-worker today? Maybe you should. Ask her about her cat (she probably just adopted one more), her advice on great kitty litter shopping deals (buy in bulk) or her weekend plans (stay home, drink red wine, talk to her other lesbian friends about male sexist art critics and read violent 1980's feminist literature or rewatch Season 3 of Xena:Warrior Princess while having the cat gently massage her braless boobs).

I know quite a few lesbians in this category. But I also know some that are different in many ways. Two of them live in Copenhagen in a colony house which is a Danish/German phenomena that translates to something like "Small summer houses on green garden allotments in the middle of the city". Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Here is a small collage to show what I mean.


Anyway, so my friends Bipper & Whiskey (that's what I call them and what they call themselves) bought a nearly finished colony house last summer, finished the last repairs that needed to be done, laid out a front garden, buried fences deep into the soil, planted flowers and built a big sun terrace. They like heavy machinery, in the garden and in bed... just kidding!

Lesbians driving their mini monster trucks around in the dirt. If Denmark ever goes to war, these two will definitely be in the artillery forces.

Amazing job, that garden space. And surprisingly no cats yet. The girls spend half the year here (April-October) and the rest in their city slick hipster apartment in a very nice area of Copenhagen. This must be such a great way to spend one's year--always being some place for only a temporary amount of time, I would think you tend to enjoy stuff more if you know it's going to change very soon. And being able to follow the seasons closer, even though you're still in the middle of the city, well, that's just lovely.

Last weekend Bipper celebrated her birthday by inviting people over to eat, drink and dance in her colony house. The house is situated on Amager, an island partly covered by Copenhagen but slowly grows into a huge wilderness with forests, marshes and beaches.


We're approaching winter time and the sun sets so early now. The dark season with less than seven hours of daylight is coming.


A big viking like ship was built as a big playground for kids. Beautiful in the sunset.


I arrive at the house before the party starts, it's around 6 in the evening and there's still a some light.

Inside the house I love their corner window seating area.


Most families situate their couch area around the TV. Here, it's the garden view that takes all the attention.

The house was partly made with vintage building elements. This church window with stained glass is beautiful. Ceramics are new and vintage.


All lesbians knit since it's cheaper than going shopping, and also a good excuse for staying home on the couch for Xena reruns.


Flowers from the garden.


Outside on the terrace breakfast is usually enjoyed in the rustic furniture.


As a starter, Whiskey serves a freshly squeezed pear juice from the garden. Actually it's called pæremost in Danish and not juice since there's a lot of pulp and peel in it.


The taste is so refreshing, sweet and different from the crap standard industry juices you buy in stores.


It's getting dark now, guests are arriving, the music's playing (both girls work as dj's so never a bad record on the stereo) and the open kitchen is busy. Love the plastic retro lamps found in a thrift store.


A guest (not lesbian) is put to work, cutting freshly picked parsley while chatting about life.


The heavy winter soup is already boiling. Smells wonderful. Onions, potatoes and lentils are fried in chili and garlic and boiled in water with boullion for 20 minutes. Then put outside overnight for taste enhancing (no, it's not a lesbian witch trick, it really has an impact on the flavour) and then heated again and refined with spices before served.


Different kinds of rustic Danish bread have been baked and cut in slices. Still steaming and soggy inside while crisp outside.


For the soup a DIY table has been arranged with lots of shredded parmesan cheese and more:


Organic lemon peels are ripped of their peel...


... and mixed with the cut up parsley for a fabulous soup topping.


Guests are invited to help themselves at the DIY table invoking a relaxed and fun atmosphere.


Uhm, there you go--hot and filling, it's perfect for a chilly autumn night. I can't eat dairy products so no cheese for me. But according to the fellow guests moaning and groaning into their soup, it's pretty good.

For dessert the girls have boiled a massive heap of the garden's pears in redwine, star anis, orange peel and cinnamon. Cloves were added too but it might give off that Christmassy taste so you can leave those out if neccessay.


The pears are covered in an off-white mixed concotion of whipped cream, vanilla and sugar. It tastes so good.

For extra freshness zest organic oranges too.


In a sudden brain flash I remember Cathrine the Cat from my favourite LEGO toyline from the 1980's called Fabuland (now extinct). An obviously lesbian hotel owner cat (!) called Cathrine who always served apples with white cream on top for her friends. Is this a coincidence? I think not.


Take a look at Cathrine the Cat's apple dessert, and then check out Bipper's pear dessert below. I guess lesbians just have a thing for wet, sticky and creamy objects?


After this dessert everything went bonkers, the lesbians started smoking cigs and getting their drank on and I ran for safety back home.

Whiskey posted this picture on Facebook the morning after:


The raving lesbos even tore the party tent's sides down outside the house.
Column: Skankynavia


  • Really? The lesbian “humor” isn’t working in this piece. Just comes off as tacky.

    Billy on

  • What an incredible lifestyle. It must be freeing to be able to live in two different places in your own country (without the hassle of actually traveling too far!)

    sakura on

  • Lovely home and profile, too bad its weighed down by the derogatory lesbian “humor.”

    k on

  • That pear juice looks SO good! I want to shrink myself and go to Fabuland…

    yoko on

  • Are the soups and dessert served in plastic plates, it looks like? Gay men will never do that. And I knit, drink my cocktail, and watch D level gay themed movies simultaneously.

    Yamahomo on

  • @Billy: Thanks for reading and for telling me what’s funny and not funny. Who says I wanted to be funny? I am dead serious.

    You’re probably one of the guys who banned Ricky Gervais from ever returning to the Oscars.

    Anders on

  • I hereby ban humor, homosexuality and heterosexuality on Umamimart.

    Let’s stick to SERIOUS food reporting please, people.

    Love, your editor.

    Kayoko on

  • @Yamahomo: This is exactly why gay people are awesome.

    I actually watched “Not Another Gay Movie” with Yoko in 2009. She’s still recovering I think.

    Anders on

  • Lesbians are all about efficiency, they start dating, and move in together within a month (economical), adopt a dozen cats (help humane society), use only plastic plates for easy clean ups (less electricity to use). Gay men, on the other hand are so un-efficient.

    yamahomo on

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