UMAMI MART MATSURI FESTIVAL
How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich, by the Losties

Jack
1. Gather ingredients
2. Point gun at ingredients and shout "HOW DO I MAKE A SANDWICH OUT OF YOU?!?!?"
3. Breathe heavily through your nose as though you were about to hit ingredients
4. Give up and make the sandwich yourself, and eat it bitterly

Kate
1. Make separate sandwiches, one with peanut butter and one with jelly
2. Take a bite of the peanut butter sandwich, declaring it the best
3. Take a bite of the jelly sandwich, declaring it the best
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 ad infinitum
5. Follow peanut butter or jelly sandwich into grave danger

Sawyer
1. Throw the jar of jelly at wall, sneering "I don't need no sandwich"
2. Call the mascot on the jar of peanut butter lots of clever nicknames
3. Huff and puff and stomp around and grumble a lot
4. When no one's looking, make perfect, even, symmetrical peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sit in a corner, enjoying every bite

Locke
1. Sit idly by, believing that the ingredients will find a way to make a sandwich out of themselves
2. Lose faith and make the sandwich anyway
3. Realize that you were the instrument by which the ingredients chose to make a sandwich after all
4. Run around the room and grab everyone's knives, insisting that their sandwiches will do the same in time

Hurley
1. Make sandwich
2. Eat sandwich
3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 ad infinitum

Sayid
1. Procure 23 milligrams of uranium-20
2. Set hadron supercollider to eight megajoules
3. Program a sandwich-making macro using Cobol or Visual Basic
4. Act all tough-like

Desmond
1. Eat sandwich
2. Call the sandwich "brother"
3. Place peanut butter slice over jelly slice
4. Spread jelly on the other slice
5. Spread peanut butter on one slice
6. Take two slices of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly

Ben
1. Steal someone else's sandwich
2. Claim you coerced them into making the sandwich for you all along
3. Say you'll tell them everything if they make you another sandwich
4. Stare at them all creepy-like

Libby
1. Lay out plans for one of the most intricate, fascinating, and delicious sandwiches of all time
2. Just as you start making it, get shot

Danielle
1. Apply peanut butter
2. Disappear for eight months
3. Apply jelly
4. Disappear for eight months
5. Eat sandwich

Isn't that just brilliant??? Big thanks to Melanie for sending this to me- looks like it was on various Lost message boards a few months back.
If you know who the original author of this is, please let me know! Lost is simply one of the most intelligent and mind-boggling TV dramas around, and the only show I watch in real time. LONG LIVE JOHN LOCKE!!
Column: The UM Reader
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5 comments

  • Wow that’s pretty funny. I don’t get the fascination with Lost though. In fact, I don’t really understand how dramas still exist on network tv. Maybe I gotta give it another shot.

    Paystyle on

  • There’s no John Locke sandwich?

    Hmm…

    1. Make sandwich.
    2. Yell at someone, “Don’t tell me what I can’t eat!”
    3. Eat sandwich while saying, “This… is my destiny.”

    Pikko on

  • Ha! Love it.

    Chris on

  • Pikko, I just realized that you are the LOST BENTO PROPIETER!!!! Welcome to Umami Mart! Check this out, everyone- she's made LOST bentos ("I <3 My Freckles" Sawyer tee bento) and even Battlestar G bentos!!!! They rock!

    http://www.aibento.net/category/lost/

    kayoko on

  • OMG Pikko, you are hilarious- that’s perfect! There actually is a Locke one on the list, but yours is much better!!! I’d like to add to it:

    #4) Scold to non-believers: “Don’t turn your back on this sandwich!”

    kayoko on

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