Umami Mart Barware
Living in this overhyped dining netherworld that is NYC, everyone has to have a place that is absolutely their OWN SECRET. It's usually somewhere on the downlow, waaaay below the radar, somewhere that you hope to god won't ever get written about in the lame-o Times or blow up on Yelp. This is how it becomes your own special secret- it's severely personal, and only your dearest friends will ever be let in on it.

This such place, for me, is an old-skool, no frills, no-nonsense neighborhood steak house. My old landlords Troy and Kumiko have been coming here for years, and first brought me when I lived with them in Sunset Park. Troy is a bit of a celebrity in these parts, and we are always welcomed warmly by brothers Anthony and Jimmy Jr., and the OG Jimmy, who walks around flirting with the ladies while talking shit to the regulars. It's just that sort of place.

Now, here's a fun game: I'll show you pictures of this place- from my bday meal a few weeks back, but I'm never going to tell you what it's called, or where it is. But I'm not going to be a total asshole, for god's sake- keep scrolling down, and you'll see that a picture is indeed worth a thousand words.

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7pm. They get lots of rowdy parties every night, so you gotta make sure to call ahead for a table. The kinda place where you figure that the table next to you is making some sort of seedy deal while the kids are running around tormenting the moms.

The beverages are self-serve. Check out the coolers where the beers are kept- the lids slide off. Awesome.

The sign says a carafe of wine for $18. Trust me, it's huge.

This place has no menus- you just gotta know what you want, or Anthony will choose for you. We started with the salad with marinated peppers, shrimp scampi (they'll do it in whatever style you want), and my favorite- baked clams.

As an afterthought, we got the seafood salad:
Here it is- the best steak in NYC, hands down. At like a fifth of the price. We get ours with onions and mushrooms.

Um, the most mouthwatering porkchop, EVER. No joke. Ask for this one with marinated peppers and mushrooms.

Just to give you an idea of how fucking jinormous this thing is, here's my thumb. I swear I did not photoshop that.

All that comes with pasta- we get the one with fried garlic bathed in olive oil.

The little window that transports your food from kitchen to the other side.

When it's all over, Anthony plops down this stuff to add to your coffee. It's so eyetalian.

Leftovers from a neighboring table. Awesome.

11pm. We shut this place DOWN!

Drumroll please...

Do me a favor- let's just keep this between me and you. Capisce?
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